Communication and Alzheimer's: What Not To Say

Knowing what to say and what not to say can be challenging when talking to a loved one with Alzheimer's. Here is help for constructive communication.

You may have grown up in a home where you had a close relationship with one or both of your parents. Maybe you even remember some of the talks you had with your parents. Now that your parent is diagnosed with Alzheimer's and the disease is progressing you don't know what to say and more importantly, what not to say.

Here are some suggestions to help you navigate through the “what not to say” parts of your conversations:

• Don't make promises you can't keep. Here is a good example of what not to say – don't make a promise you can't keep. If you tell your loved one you will take them to the market, then do it. Don't offer to take them somewhere and then not do it. You may say it doesn't matter if they forget anyway, but character always matters and your loved one with Alzheimer's will be disappointed if they remember and you don't follow through.

• Don't ask too many questions. If you begin by asking too many questions at once, you will confuse and frustrated your loved one. Start by asking one question at a time. Also, another “what not to say” is why. You can ask who, when, where and what but do NOT ask a person with Alzheimer's why. The why is too complicated and will end up frustrating them...definitely something to add to the “what not to say” list.

• Don't say remember. At the top of the “what not to say” list is remember. It may be an easy slip up to say, “Remember when Uncle Steve went to Florida?” but your loved one really can't remember so asking them to remember will only bring frustration and more confusion. YOU need to remember that your loved one has Alzheimer's and can't remember. Here is a story of someone who wished she knew about this “what not to say” tip:

"As I talked to my mom about the events of the past week, she mentioned going to see her father. I turned to her and said, “Remember that your father is no longer alive.” My mom lost it and I do mean LOST IT! She threw a tantrum like none I had ever seen before. It took me a good hour to bring her down from the ceiling. I will never say, “remember” to her again!" - Anonymous

• Don't argue with them. Here is a classic, “what not to say”. It seems so commonsensical to avoid arguing with a person who has Alzheimer's but many people do argue to the point of exasperation. When, in reality, arguing gets you nowhere. Instead, try to validate their thoughts and feelings by saying something like, “I see that you are sad. You must really miss your mother. Tell me a little bit about her.” This not only validates their feelings but it also opens up the lines of communication.

By following some of these simple suggestions of “what not to say”, you can bridge the communication gap between you and your loved one while creating a calm environment. It is always important to put yourself in the shoes of your loved one and see the world through their eyes. This will help you learn what not to say.

Written by Team at Navacare

Navacare helps adult children learn how to protect and prolong their elderly parents' independence by offering FREE resources and information at www.navacarenow.com.