Overcoming Guilt When Your Parent's Caregiver Isn't You

When a parent has Alzheimer's and you cannot care for them, overcoming guilt is a struggle. Here are some tips to help you avoid the pitfalls of guilt.

So many babyboomers today are faced with aging parents that are diagnosed with diseases that will eventually leave them unable to care for themselves. Then the perpetual question arises: Who will care for mom or dad? Some adult children just don't have the option of caring for their parent for a variety of reasons. And when that is the case, guilt can set in. How do I know? Because eight years ago my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I was faced with the same struggle of overcoming guilt.

I want to be clear on something - I'm not here to tell you what is the right or wrong way to go with caring for your parent. Rather, I'm here to say that I understand overcoming guilt because I also struggled with it. You see, I wasn't my parent's primary caregiver and it bothered me. In fact, the guilt was so overwhelming at times that I needed strategies to help me overcome guilt. Here are a few ideas that worked for me:

1. Call a friend. As strange as this may sound, the best remedy for overcoming guilt may just be a phone call away. Sometimes just having someone available that will listen to your struggles with guilt will help you feel like you are doing all you can do for your parent.

I remember a time when my mother had one of her, what I call, “Alzheimer tantrums” and I received a call from my sister (she lives 5 minutes from my mom...another overcoming guilt challenge) that my mom was out of control. I talked to my mom on the phone but honestly, it didn't calm her down much. Eventually, she did calm down but I felt such overwhelming guilt over the fact that I wasn't there to help my sister. I then called a friend and we talked it through. She helped me see that I did everything I could possibly do given the distance I lived from my mother. That conversation really helped me overcome guilt and guilty feelings.

2. Let yourself off the hook. As an adult child with a parent having Alzheimer's, it's so easy to be hard on yourself. Maybe I should have done more? Why didn't I find a better medicine for dad to take? I should have reacted differently in that situation. We can beat ourselves up over the would have's and should have's. You need to give yourself permission to say, “its a disease and it's NOT my fault.” When I learned to let myself off the hook more, overcoming guilt became doable.

Now, I'm not saying that it will be easy to overcome guilt – because it's not! Of course, there will be times when you will feel guilty about not being available when your parent goes through an “Alzheimer's tantrum” or when there is some issue that arises and another sibling or caregiver handles it. However, the more you practice letting yourself off the hook, the better you will get at being kind to yourself and overcoming guilt will get easier.

3. Accept the guilt. Yes, you read that right. You are human and you will feel guilty at times. Accepting the feelings of guilt will help you in overcoming guilt. Guilt is a natural emotion that can serve as a way of spurring us to do something that we ought to like make an apology when we should. That's why not all guilt should be ignored. So lean into it and allow yourself to accept that guilt just comes with the territory of having a parent with Alzheimer's. This was an important step that helped me in overcoming guilt.

Also, understand that there are other people out there that are going through the same emotions that you are going through...you are not alone. Don't be ashamed to admit that you feel guilty. Accepting guilt can help you in overcoming guilt.

Sometimes when I felt guilty, I would log on to an online blog and read other people's stories about how they learned to overcome guilt. You know, not only was it therapeutic, but it also helped me feel like I wasn't alone. More importantly, it helped me live with the guilt.

Written by: Tonia Roemer, Member of Navacare Team

Navacare helps adult children learn how to protect and prolong their elderly parents' independence by offering FREE resources and information at www.navacarenow.com.