Overcoming Guilt When Your Parent's Caregiver Isn't You

When a parent has Alzheimer's and you cannot care for them, overcoming guilt is a struggle. Here are some tips to help you avoid the pitfalls of guilt.

So many babyboomers today are faced with aging parents that are diagnosed with diseases that will eventually leave them unable to care for themselves. Then the perpetual question arises: Who will care for mom or dad? Some adult children just don't have the option of caring for their parent for a variety of reasons. And when that is the case, guilt can set in. How do I know? Because eight years ago my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I was faced with the same struggle of overcoming guilt.

I want to be clear on something - I'm not here to tell you what is the right or wrong way to go with caring for your parent. Rather, I'm here to say that I understand overcoming guilt because I also struggled with it. You see, I wasn't my parent's primary caregiver and it bothered me. In fact, the guilt was so overwhelming at times that I needed strategies to help me overcome guilt. Here are a few ideas that worked for me:

1. Call a friend. As strange as this may sound, the best remedy for overcoming guilt may just be a phone call away. Sometimes just having someone available that will listen to your struggles with guilt will help you feel like you are doing all you can do for your parent.

I remember a time when my mother had one of her, what I call, “Alzheimer tantrums” and I received a call from my sister (she lives 5 minutes from my mom...another overcoming guilt challenge) that my mom was out of control. I talked to my mom on the phone but honestly, it didn't calm her down much. Eventually, she did calm down but I felt such overwhelming guilt over the fact that I wasn't there to help my sister. I then called a friend and we talked it through. She helped me see that I did everything I could possibly do given the distance I lived from my mother. That conversation really helped me overcome guilt and guilty feelings.

2. Let yourself off the hook. As an adult child with a parent having Alzheimer's, it's so easy to be hard on yourself. Maybe I should have done more? Why didn't I find a better medicine for dad to take? I should have reacted differently in that situation. We can beat ourselves up over the would have's and should have's. You need to give yourself permission to say, “its a disease and it's NOT my fault.” When I learned to let myself off the hook more, overcoming guilt became doable.

Now, I'm not saying that it will be easy to overcome guilt – because it's not! Of course, there will be times when you will feel guilty about not being available when your parent goes through an “Alzheimer's tantrum” or when there is some issue that arises and another sibling or caregiver handles it. However, the more you practice letting yourself off the hook, the better you will get at being kind to yourself and overcoming guilt will get easier.

3. Accept the guilt. Yes, you read that right. You are human and you will feel guilty at times. Accepting the feelings of guilt will help you in overcoming guilt. Guilt is a natural emotion that can serve as a way of spurring us to do something that we ought to like make an apology when we should. That's why not all guilt should be ignored. So lean into it and allow yourself to accept that guilt just comes with the territory of having a parent with Alzheimer's. This was an important step that helped me in overcoming guilt.

Also, understand that there are other people out there that are going through the same emotions that you are going through...you are not alone. Don't be ashamed to admit that you feel guilty. Accepting guilt can help you in overcoming guilt.

Sometimes when I felt guilty, I would log on to an online blog and read other people's stories about how they learned to overcome guilt. You know, not only was it therapeutic, but it also helped me feel like I wasn't alone. More importantly, it helped me live with the guilt.

Written by: Tonia Roemer, Member of Navacare Team

Navacare helps adult children learn how to protect and prolong their elderly parents' independence by offering FREE resources and information at www.navacarenow.com.

How to Avoid Caregiver Resentment Towards a Parent with Alzheimer's

Caregiver resentment is common in adult children who care for a parent with Alzheimer's but not commonly talked about. Here are some practical strategies to help you avoid caregiver resentment.

Caring for a parent with Alzheimer’s can not only be emotionally challenging but it can also leave you feeling resentful toward your loved one. Most people don't want to admit out loud that they resent their parent for getting Alzheimer's or the caregiver resentment that comes from having to deal with the day-to-day challenges of caregiving. But, guess what? It's okay to admit you are resentful. And what's more, there are some strategies that will help you learn how to avoid caregiver resentment.

Here are some practical ideas to help you avoid caregiver resentment while providing opportunities for improving your role as a caregiver and your loved one's quality of life.

Create a Positive Environment

The environment you create can increase caregiver resentment or decrease it. By creating a positive environment, you can help keep caregiver resentment at bay. Here's how:

Turn on some music. Music can not only provide a calming effect for a person with Alzheimer's but, it can also calm you down and improve your mood. Another benefit of music is that it stimulates the brain – great for those who have Alzheimer's.

Use the power of touch. Just holding hands or a touch on the shoulder or arm helps you connect with your loved one and can have a very calming effect and help you avoid caregiver resentment. Never underestimate how touch can keep you from negative emotions and feelings, including resentment.

Talk it out. Having a meaningful conversation can be an effective way to avoid caregiver resentment. Use some familiar objects to start a conversation. Objects like photos and mementos can trigger positive memories for you and your parent.

Get Educated

Take time to learn about Alzheimer's Disease so you can understand how and why the brain begins to deteriorate. Educate yourself on the resources available so you will know where to go when you feel resentment building up. The internet is a wonderful resource along with your local library. This is a great way to avoid caregiver resentment.

Take Time for You

If you are exhausted, stress and running on empty, caregiver resentment can creep up. An important factor in avoiding caregiver resentment is taking time to take care of yourself and your health.

Get active. Exercise can be a vital component in avoiding caregiver resentment. Walk, run, bike or do whatever you enjoy doing that is active and keeps you moving. Try walking with a friend or take up a new activity like dancing.

Eat well. Can eating the right foods help you avoid caregiver resentment? Yes it can! Eating whole foods like fresh fruit and vegetables, lean cuts of meat and fish can actually boost your mood, give you energy and help you manage life without the ups and downs of a poor diet. Foods you will want to reduce or cut out completely are those high in fats, carbohydrates and all processed foods.

Get Connected

One of the most effective tools to use in avoiding caregiver resentment is to get connected. Find a support group or an on-line forum you can join. By connecting with others who share the same caregiver challenges, you realize you are not alone. And, someone may also provide you with a tip that will help you cope with resentment or other issues.

Caregiver resentment doesn't have to take over your life. By enlisting these simple coping skills, you can void caregiver resentment all together.

Written by Navacare team

Navacare helps adult children learn how to protect and prolong their elderly parents' independence by offering FREE resources and information at www.navacarenow.com.

3 Alzheimer's Lessons I Learned from Having a Parent with Alzheimer's

3 Alzheimer's Lessons I Learned from Having a Parent with Alzheimer's

Valuable Alzheimer's lessons learned from a Baby Boomer walking through this disease with my own parent.

I will admit that having a parent with Alzheimer's has been a very humbling experience. If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would be sitting here right now writing about my own experience as an adult child of a parent with this disease, I would have laughed. Now, I just want to cry.

As difficult as it is to discuss this mind-destroying disease, and make no mistake about it - it is a disease, I know it is meaningful to share the most important Alzheimer's lessons I have learned from walking down this road with my parent. Of course there are many life lessons that we can learn from neurological diseases (and diseases in general) but these are a few the Alzheimer's lessons that have most changed my perspective on life.

Alzheimer's Lesson #1: Leave The Past In The Past

When a parent is first diagnosed with Alzheimer's, you tend to think what went wrong? You wonder if anything could have been done to change or prolong a healthier brain function for your parent. And, like most adult children, you question whether you did enough to help your parent. Did I somehow fail them?

So, my Alzheimer's lesson is that thinking like this is not only futile but it is self-destructive as well. Why? Because no matter how much you think about it, it won't change your parent's current mental status. Right now, your parent has Alzheimer's and no amount of contemplating what you could have done differently will change this fact. So, get on with living in the present moment and let the past be the past! This proved to be a valuable Alzheimer's lesson for me.

Alzheimer's Lesson #2: Stop Being Right All The Time

You heard me right, or should I say wrong? You see, there will be times that Alzheimer's will make your parent forget things that are commonplace. And when a parent with Alzheimer's starts to lose their short-term memory, you will need to stop being right all the time. And for those of us who are prideful, this may be the most difficult Alzheimer's lesson of all.

I'll give you an example from my own experience: When my mother was in the early stages of Alzheimer's, she was convinced she was an only child. By the way, she had seven siblings. I insisted she was wrong and made the mistake of telling her the truth because I had to be right. The outcome was an argument that could have easily been avoided. Remember this Alzheimer's lesson: Being right isn't always best.

Alzheimer's Lesson #3: It's Not Personal, It's A Disease

When your parent has Alzheimer's, you are expecting them to forget the impersonal things like where they left the car keys. Yet, nothing prepares you for the forgetfulness that gets personal. Like when your parent forgets you for the first time!

I'll never forget (no pun intended) the first time my mother forgot me...I had just returned home from my daughter's softball game and my mom was over visiting. When I walked in, she asked where her husband was and called me, “that woman”. I was hurt and I took it personally until I reminded myself that Alzheimer's IS a disease and my mother couldn't control the fact that she didn't know who I was. This was yet another valuable Alzheimer's lesson.

What really helped me is to understand how the brain works and why my mother couldn't even remember her own daughter. Someone once explained it to me like this: the neurons in the brain stop connecting and die. Eventually, there is no place to store memories. A simple explanation like that really helped me understand how Alzheimer's destroys a person's memory.

I hope these Alzheimer's lessons I learned the hard way will help you as you walk with your own parent through the Alzheimer's journey.

Navacare helps adult children learn how to protect and prolong their elderly parents' independence by offering FREE resources and information at http://www.navacarenow.com/.  Check out helpful articles on Alzheimer's at: www.navacarenow.com/caregiver-articles

Written by: Tonia Roemer, Member of Navacare Team